


Hold Me Now

by Kareh



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Panic Attacks, You've been warned, im not crying ur crying, spoilers for requiem!!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-19
Updated: 2017-02-19
Packaged: 2018-09-25 14:38:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9824888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kareh/pseuds/Kareh
Summary: The angsty fic following Requiem that nobody who has seen Requiem is mentally stable enough to read but I wrote anyway.





	

**Author's Note:**

> SPOILERS FOR 4x25 REQUIEM AND 4x26 OWARI - YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!
> 
> Apparently all I'm capable of writing is weird angsty Leonardo-centric drabbles with no real plot. Sorry?  
> I actually wrote this after I watched both Requiem and Owari in Korean, but waited to post because I knew I'd want to edit it after seeing the Requiem in English. Figured it's best to post now as I kind of imagined this happening sometime in between or just at the start of Owari, when you see that the turtles have gone to the farmhouse.  
> Whatever you do, don't be listening to the song Hold Me Now by Red while you read this. I was listening to it the whole time I wrote this (hence the title) but honestly, the combination wrecked me.

It had all been a blur.

The first night was the worst for his brothers – not surprisingly, all of them ended up in Leonardo’s bed. None of them really slept that night; a few hours or so all in all, maybe. Each moment of sleep was soon interrupted by bad dreams or waking to find another brother shaking or crying or both.

The second night there was nothing. Silent. Still. Each of them laying awake staring at the ceiling. Together but miles apart. They all drifted off eventually, minds too tired to keep themselves awake any longer or even to dream, but it wasn’t for long. Leonardo rose for his usual meditation and, unlike any other morning, so did his brothers. They didn’t talk about it.

Now, on the third night, his brothers still ended up his room. Sleep comes easier for his brothers – though Leonardo knows that by this point, it’s really just out of exhaustion. It’s the worst night for Leonardo, however – now left entirely to his own thoughts. Something he’d been desperately trying to avoid until now. Sleeping together in the same room – a turtle pile, as Michelangelo liked to call it – was supposed to be comforting and it was exactly what they’d all needed the previous two nights but now – all he could feel was confined. Overwhelmed. He could feel himself starting to fray at the seams, and he needed somewhere private to crumble.

It occurs to him sometime in the night, just as he’s thrown his arms up to protect his face from Michelangelo who always kicks in his sleep (and always Leonardo’s face, for some reason), he failed his family. That if he had been stronger, faster, smarter, better – that he would have been able to prevent this. He couldn’t do anything to stop what happened – to save their father – because he wasn’t good enough. Because he wasn’t prepared. He should have known that this would happen – but how could he?

He’d lead his brothers without their father before – when they came back to New York, he didn’t really know what he was coming back to. He hadn’t seen what his brothers had that time. He hadn’t seen his father – who was supposed to invincible – fall before. At that time, he had no doubt that he was leading them back to their father. He knew for sure in his heart that their father was still alive and so, Leonardo was never really alone. And the time after that – with the Fugitoid, it had been different. There was still some hope for Leonardo to hang onto, hope that they would fix it. That _he_ would fix it.

But this time it’s different – there wouldn’t be a do-over. Leonardo had thought before that being leader was hard enough – but suddenly it occurs to him that everything is ten times harder because now everything falls on him. All of the responsibility is his – there was no one to lead _him_. Not anymore. No one who understands and sympathises with the burden of leadership, no one for him to confide in, to look to for guidance or to fall back on – everything that happens now is down to him. His say is final. It’s all down to him to lead his brothers and to keep them safe. Leonardo is not ready for this. He’s been training ever since he can remember for this and yet – it’s not enough.

He feels the panic rising, the familiar sensation of nausea and his breath quickening. He tries desperately to slow it, shutting his eyes and trying to focus on nothing but his breathing. But the more he tries to hold onto control, the further his grip seems to slip; the more is mind is filled with pictures of his father. He isn’t enough. His brothers deserve better than he can offer them. He isn’t good enough to lead them, to keep them safe because after all, he let Master Splinter die. It was his fault, everything is his fault-

He recognises the panic building in the pit of his stomach. Knowing he can’t contain it for any longer or squash it down in the way he’d been doing for the past few days, he scrambles to his feet, trying to be as careful as he can be but knowing he needs out as soon as possible, he needs air, he needs somewhere – somewhere that he can be alone-  
He startles when he hears a noise, a half sob ring out in the room. He freezes in his panic, desperately trying to figure out which brother made the sound - but none of his brothers move or make another sound – and Leonardo realises it came from him. So he slams a hand over his mouth, to stop any other noises from sneaking out and flees the room as quickly possible, making it out into the hallway of the dark farmhouse. He stumbles down the stairs, trying to open the front door as quietly as possible so that no one wakes up. He isn’t sure how he gets to his father’s grave without falling, but as soon as he gets there his knees give out and he crashes to the ground.

Leonardo isn’t a stranger to panic attacks at this point, and he knows what he has to do in order to get his body under control again but his mind isn’t listening to him. All he can think about is how he entirely alone in all of this and the fear that comes with that. He is alone, after all. Master Splinter is gone. The burden is all Leo’s now. And he’s over his head and utterly alone in all of this. He doubles over, on his knees his hand over his mouth to muffle the sound. He can’t keep the panic in –  gasping for breath, trying to reassure himself that he isn’t going to faint, his vision is just blurred from tears, he just has to breathe –

He can’t do this. He isn’t good enough. He got Master Splinter killed. And Karai – he almost didn’t make it in time to save her. If he had gotten there earlier. If he had just been stronger that time, during the invasion, he could have prevented all of this. He should have come up with a better plan, should have thought of something. Master Splinter shouldn’t be gone – it should be Leo. It should be him – he wishes it were him-

Leonardo is concentrating on getting air into his lungs, just starting to become aware of his surroundings again when he hears shuffling behind him somewhere and his stomach drops and Leonardo is pretty sure he might throw up because he knows that it’s his brothers without even having to look and somehow, letting his brother see him like this is more frightening than any of the times they’ve faced the Shredder. Someone falls to their knees beside him but Leonardo can’t bring himself to look – he’s too embarrassed to look at anybody. He lets out a shaky breath and tries to get a hold of himself.

“It’s all right, man,” Raphael murmurs, placing a hand on his shoulder. “We got ya.”  
Donatello appears on his other side, carefully choosing to sit close enough to him that their knees are touching but not so close that its overwhelming. Leonardo forgets to breath when Michelangelo comes into view in front of him – it’s bad enough that the other two have to witness this but Michelangelo’s the youngest – his baby brother. Leonardo’s supposed to be brave, to be strong – but he’s failing them. Letting them down. As if knowing what Leonardo’s thinking, Michelangelo shakes his head at him and throwing himself at Leonardo, wrapping his arms around his neck.

“Sorry,” Leonardo breathes, and he manages to stop the tears, at least. “I’m okay. Really.” But this just makes his brothers’ huddle closer to him and tighten their grip on him. None of them speak – they just sit there on the cold ground in the middle of the night.

 

* * *

 

 

They sit up with him, in the end. Even though Leonardo keeps trying to put them back to bed and swearing that yes, he’s fine now, and, no, he doesn’t want to go to sleep. He’s too afraid to try to sleep again, honestly – too afraid he’ll go back to his bed and suddenly be faced with such horrible thoughts again. He kind of expects Raphael to order the other two brothers to go to bed and try to talk to himself, but Raphael just settles down across from him with his arms crossed, frowning at him. The message is clear.

_None of us are leaving you alone._

As much as he wants his brothers to go and get some sleep, for their own sake, he’s glad to not be left alone with his thoughts anymore. They sit there, just watching the night sky.

After a while, Michelangelo starts to snore soundly beside him. Donatello’s on his other side, curled up into a ball, fast asleep, and Raphael holding his head with both his hands but still occasionally startling himself awake whenever his head bops forward. Leonardo can’t help but smile at his sleeping brothers, though his eyes fall back on his father’s grave and he instantly feels guilty. Leonardo takes in a deep breath.

 _I’ll protect them, father_ , Leonardo swears silently. _Nothing like this will ever happen again._

“Daisuki” Leonardo mutters at the forms of his sleeping brothers, before laying down, wedged securely between his brothers. He can’t help but smile when he hears it echoed, four times, his brothers’ voices’ full of sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> This is probably an unpopular opinion but I am super excited for what's to come in season 5. I've seen every incarnation of TMNT and one thing that I always thought about was how the turtles would cope with the loss of their father and so, as emotional and heartbreaking as Mikey calling Splinter "papa" was, I'm really interested to see a canon version of what happens next.
> 
> Come talk to me about your TMNT headcanons!  
> www.cinnarina.tumblr.com


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